My Worst Day as a Mother

My Worst Day as a Mother

This first child was not planned. While not un-welcomed, Baby was not planned nonetheless. The Hubs and I were both 30 and while I wasn't tracking my temperature for maximum ovulation times or planning interesting sexual positions to enhance fertility, we also weren't doing anything to prevent a baby. However, 10 months into our marriage, when a baby became our Baby, it was a little shocking. 

At first, I couldn't believe it. I thought it would take us longer than that to get pregnant. I've had some issues with the pipes and pulleys (if you will) and getting pregnant naturally was always something that seemed like a *maybe*. I was pretty numb when I first found out and took several tests the first day and several more a month later when we decided to tell our parents. I've talked about the paranoia and the depression I felt in those first couple months but one day...well one day in particular was my worst day as a mother.

I'd known I'd been pregnant a couple weeks and we still weren't telling anyone. I was in the shower and thinking about Baby - about what kind of mother I would be, about how there was so much to do, about the overwhelmingness of feeling like I had to get those things done IMMEDIATELY. We needed a car with 4 doors, we needed an apartment with space, we needed money and baby things and life things and OMG, I just hit a wall. I started crying because I felt so desperate and lonely and helpless and here I was, already a mother and I was a mess.  

I got out of the shower and just sat on my bed. I had these thoughts that I wasn't good enough to be a mom yet. I wouldn't be good enough and that the timing was bad, just horrible timing and how could we have been so stupid? I felt at fault for so many random things that before Baby weren't issues. Through tears and with shaking hands, I looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood. I knew I had choices and I knew the Hubs would support any decision I made. I browsed the website checking times and prices. I cried harder because I felt like such a failure. I felt very lost and alone.

I had planned to meet the Hubs at a car place to trade in my flashy 2 door Mini for a sensible 4 door Prius. I drove there thinking about what I was going to say to Hubs, how I was going to tell him about all my fears. He could tell something was wrong the minute I got there and we sat in my car as I cried. It took me what felt like hours before it finally came out - "Maybe we should get an abortion." His silence was deafening. I cried harder because I'd just wounded someone I love more than anything and a new wave of guilt and despair rolled through me. I cried harder when he told me he would support me because that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to tell me I was being stupid, that everything would be fine and I was being dramatic. I wanted him to tell me that I was as horrible of a person as I felt in that moment. He never did. He told me that if that's what I wanted then he would support me because he loves me but that's not what he wanted. He told me he was scared too and of course there were things that needed to get done, that we needed to take care of that maybe we weren't expecting to deal with just then. I looked at him for the first time and he looked so incredibly sad. He told me he loved me and we needed to think about this.

We traded in the car that very afternoon. We went to sleep that night not daring to bring up the conversation from the car. The next day was a new day. I thought about how the time is never right to bring life into this world, that's just how it goes. There's never enough money or enough space or enough things...but luckily my husband and I don't care about those things. I sheepishly apologized, him taking me in for a hug before I'd even finished, apology not necessary. I've never asked him about that convo and we've never talked about it since. I wonder if he knew it was just hormones, if that plus the combination of having to keep Baby a secret and make so many changes just made me lose my senses? 

I've never had those thoughts since. That was the darkest day I've ever had and a part of me thinks I knew I wasn't serious but saying it out loud, getting those thoughts out of me needed to happen so they could dissipate into the universe. It wasn't the worst day because I had the thought I should have an abortion. I'm glad that I have choices and somewhere I could go for information and help if I needed it. It was the worst day because I doubted myself as a mother. I doubted my own strength as a person and I let the world around me close in a little too tight. I forgot that I have a partner that will listen and love me, no matter how I'm feeling. I forgot that money and space and things don't raise children. I forgot that we have all the necessary means to have a baby and be smart about it. I forgot that no matter what I chose, it would be the right choice for me. 

Did you ever have doubts about yourself becoming a parent? Did you struggle with loneliness and fear?

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