Sunny Side Up Baby with a Side of Sadness
My baby has gone Sunny Side Up. Like the egg dish that I've never even tried, Baby, at 37 weeks, has gone rogue and flipped. Up until this point, Baby was in the perfect birth position - head down, butt up but s/he has decided to turn so that their cute little belly is now face up. Their head is still down which is great but now their fingers and toes are tickling my tummy ALL. DAY. LONG. This position, while not ideal, shouldn't prevent me from having a home birth but I've been warned that labor and delivery could be much more difficult.
My midwife suggested going to the website Spinningbabies.com and doing some of the suggested moves, which I have been. Walking and yoga was also suggested and I just so happened to have an unused Groupon for yoga classes at a studio within walking distance of my house. I went to my first class - I used to go when not pregnant but haven't gone since - and let me tell you - it is not as easy as I remember! I had to modify a lot of the poses to accommodate for The Bump but it was good to go and relax and just focus on me. When I couldn't do a pose, I sat there and breathed and envisioned and willed Baby to turn. It got me thinking about how I need to be sending those vibes that I'm ready for Baby to come out. Which leads me to my Side of Sadness....
I've decided to go on maternity leave almost a week earlier than planned. "What's the big deal?!", you may be thinking. "Sounds like a vacation I could use!", you might want to exclaim. Here's the thing though - I'm not leaving a desk job or paperwork or difficult clients. I'm leaving two young boys and a family whom I love to pieces and have been with for over 5 years. I'm leaving children that have no idea I come to their house 6 days a week because it's my job. I'm leaving a household that I'm a key part in running. And it sucks. It sucks because I don't think the 3yo understands. The 3yo and I are extremely close - he has habits that I know are there because of me. We have a similar humor and he's never NOT known me - we've only ever been apart for a week! It sucks because someone new is going to come along to help out and they won't do things the way I do it and they won't know the kids the way I know them and they will eventually be loved and well, frankly...I'm jealous.
My little buddy in one of our random snuggles. I love when he crawls into my lap and we just love on each other.
I will obviously still see my Nanny Family. I don't plan on returning to work with them full time (I'll be starting my adventure into postpartum doula work full-time instead) but I know I can call them, FaceTime, visit them whenever I want. Plus, I DO plan to see them every Saturday night or on overnights once I'm ready to hand my own baby over to a sitter or Baby is big enough to come along. I know that we will continue to be a family, just on a different level but it's still tough. I'm having separation anxiety and knowing that my little buddy isn't quite sure what's going on only makes it tougher. But I need to be a mom to my own Baby and I feel like if I continue to work and put out those vibes that I'm busy with other things, Baby is going to stay comfy and cozy in their rent free accommodations. And I want Baby out!
Hair mask in and face mask on in an attempt to focus on myself and relax. Both masks are vegan and cruelty free and I found the hair mask at Marshalls for 5.99$! I would say my hair came out pretty great!!!
So tomorrow will be my last day. It will be sad and difficult and tears will absolutely be involved. But even my Nanny Mom said "You need to focus on your baby!" and she'd right - I do. I need to focus on my Baby and me. Tonight I began that adventure by creating photo albums for the boys to look at of pictures of us together. I took a bath and read some magazines from the giant pile I have (which Hubs hates and has magazines dating back to 2009). I prepped myself to be strong, to give as many hugs as I could, and to know that this isn't an ending but a new beginning.
How did you deal with maternity leave? Was it difficult for you to focus on yourself?